Healing the Broken

I've been feeling rather broken this week. Both physically and emotionally. Perfectly understandable considering all that has happened. The sadness of loosing Oscar comes and goes. It's incredible how much space in your heart and life 2lbs of fur and affection leave open when he is gone.

Today I had my physiotherapy assessment. Not exactly the best news. I knew of course that I would have lost range of motion. This is expected with the surgery. I also knew that with me having above average range of motion usually, that I would have that much further to get caught up to. I wasn't however prepared to hear the number 70%. That's right I've lost 70% of my ankle function. With the hope to be back on my bike by March 2008, I have a lot of work to do in the next 4-5 months.

I did get these cool before pictures to cheer me up.




And here is the hardware that they took out:


I need to focus. I need to heal without overdoing it. I need to be wise. I need prayer.

Remembering a Friend

Today is a sad day. 10 hours ago I lost one of my beloved ferrets, Oscar. Oscar had developed Adrenal disease last year-very common in ferrets- and yesterday his body succumbed to the disease. It's always hard to loose someone you love and I loved Oscar. He has a neat story about the transforming power of love that I would like to share.

Oscar joined my family in March of 2002, the weekend of the Academy awards, which was the inspiration for his name. I had lost my first ferret Finnegan in February and Riley didn't like being on his own so I had decided to get 2 babies that could be companions to Riley and to each other (ferrets are very social creatures) Turned out to be a good decision as Riley didn't really like his new brothers so Murphy(who was adopted in February) was going to need a playmate.
I made several trips to the pet store that had baby ferrets. In the most recent pack there was a little sable runt. He was often picked on by the others and had become very hurt and scared of ferrets and people. I wasn't sure I was ready for another sable as that had been the colouring of Finnegan, the ferret I had just lost. Over two weeks though I saw all the other ferrets find homes except this little runt. I would try and pick him up when I was in the store but he would just scream if anyone(including store staff) tried to touch him. When you did pick him up he just wanted to get away, shaking and terrified that he was going to get hurt. My heart just grew for the little guy, left alone in the pet store, scared of the world. Real Love isn't something that you fall in-True love is a choice. I chose to love Oscar.
I wondered in my brokenness whether I would be able to love this skittish little fuzzy, I wasn't sure. But I knew that is what he needed so I brought him home. It took time for Oscar to trust my love. To know that in my hands he would not be hurt and would be safe. Often I had to initiate the contact with him struggling to get away. But then there was a point where he wanted to be near me, not being touched just close enough to feel my presence. That lead to a welcome response to being cuddled and played with and finally to the day just over a year later, when he would come to me for affection and love. Oscar turned into a delightful playful little pet, transformed by love.
He taught me that I was capable of loving something that seemed unlovable. He taught me that hurt and fear can be overcome by love. He taught me that in order to be transformed by love we need to trust and accept it when it is offered. He taught me that first impressions need to be explored and not just taken as face value of who someone is. He taught me how to love.
I'm going to miss him.

The Things You Do for the Man You Love!

OK, So it's no secret that Jon Bon Jovi is my most dedicated relationship with a man. I mentioned early in one of my my first blogs that I wanted him to come to London and do a benefit concert for my Sea To Sea ride. Well that goal is partly fulfilled as he is doing a concert here just a few blocks from my place in November. This morning I faithful dragged myself down to wait in line. This is what that looks like at 5:30am in the rain on crutches.


I secured great seats for my friend Gerry and I...now we just have to get a donation from him. I think it can happen!

Let the healing begin!

So the surgery went very well. Did a local anaethestic with an extremely heavy sedative instead of general and recovery has been speedy. A little more pain than expected but a change in drugs has solved that.

Here's the math:
When you take on of these


And take out this


You get soemthing that looks like this


Hopefully I will have 2 matching legs soon.

In the meantime, more lessons in grace. Yesterday morning I decided to get some cookie baking done. I spilled a little butter on the stove and thought I got it all wiped off BUT I guess there was enough to smoke which set off the smoke detector in my apartment. Even with the crutches I couldn't reach the kill switch so I hobbled to drag a fan across the apartment to get the smoke blown away. I heard all the voices of my friends saying make sure you ask for help if you need it going through my head over that WAH_WAH_WAH of the alarm and thought to myself. Yes I would like some help now but who do you call for something like this? Just then my front door opened and my friend George looked in and said "Can you use some help?" He had decided just to drop in on the way to the office to check on me. He quickly got the alarm off and me settled back into the kitchen. A dear friend and today an answer to prayer.

Lessons in Grace

AS most of you know, this has been a busy time as I try and get so much done before I'm off my feet from the surgery that I am having tomorrow. Many people have lovingly offer their help but I've kinda just been ploughing through it on my own- wanting things done my way, not wanting to put undue burden on my friends and family.

On Friday, a friend threw a wrench in my plans. I needed to get some stuff from his place before Monday, it would only take about 30mins, he said. I was pissed! Yeah 30mins of his time..but then I would have extra stuff at my house that was reorganized anyway, so really it was probably more like 3 hours of time. I didn't even really have the 30mins let alone 3hrs!!!! But it had to be done...FINE! I decided to leave work earlier than I was going to and get it done now. It didn't help that on the way to his place, he decided to berate me for not adapting to change well and for being so grumpy. Thanks! that's really helping.
When packing up, he got stung by a wasp and had his first severe reaction which required us to spend 4 hours at the urgent care while they got him stablized. Events don't happen by accident and God couldn't have put my friend with someone more understanding of a medical crisis that was interupting plans and lifestyle. My friend and I have a lot of very similiar characteristics and coping methods as we are both independant, single adults. And we bickered and struggled as I tried to explain that he needed help and his immediate and continuing rejections of my offers of support were very hurtful. We're both rather stubborn. It was frustrating and exhausting for both of us.
But I learned a lot about myself and the way I need to respond during the next few weeks. Like the following:
1-Yes I can probably do a lot of things on my own, but I will be putting myself at much more risk than is necessary and just making it harder on everyone.
2-People's offers of help are gifts of grace. When I reject these and the love that surround them, I am hurting my friends and that is just not necessary.
3-Not everything I wanted to get done is going to happen. I need to be gracious and ask for the help I need, accepting that it may not be done the way that I am most comfortable with.
4-That I need to be grateful that God has surrounded me with such caring, loving and giving people who just want to care for me.

My friend is feeling better. I'm not sure if he has fully realised the impact the event had on his life and how it effects those around him. I pray that he too is surrounded by people who love and care for him. I pray that he learns, as I have, to trust in those gifts of help and grace and that life is even better when shared in a community who loves and accepts you.

Cookies to go!

The first fund-raising effort I have tackled is selling sugar cookies. I have done these cookies for several years, sharing with friends and co-workers and the occasional charity event. I wasn't sure about what type of response I would get but here is what my table looked like this week.

Yes it was a beautiful sea of leaves ready to be packaged and delivered for Thanksgiving orders. 21 Dozen...A good start.
Already I have orders for 18dz for Halloween, 17dz for a special request and 12dz for our own Pedals and Prayers luncheon. That doesn't include several orders for Christmas and other events.
It was my hope and fear that I would be overwhelmed with requests. I'm not feeling overwhelmed just yet even after 36dz in 2 days(that's 3 gross of cookies!). But I am grateful for the positive response. It feels good to be able to do something that people want and enjoy. It has given me a chance to get to know more people in my church family, those who are supporting me in this adventure. Even cooler, is that through my friend, Tracy and former co-workers, orders have been coming in from the wider community. This has been an amazing opportunity to let people know about the step to ending the cycle of poverty, to let them know that this is more than just a personal achievement. I am truly thankful for that. Happy Thanksgiving!

Training ending..well sort of.

Five months ago, I started training to see if it was even reasonable for me to consider doing Sea To Sea. It seemed so overwhelming and I wasn't sure what to expect really but a sore butt, hurting legs, exhaustion and emotional up & downs were probable. I thought it would be tough both physically and emotionally. I was ready to face the questions from others about the sanity and reality of me trying to do this- questions that even I was having about myself. As someone who strives to live in a harsh reality of self-awareness, I was prepared for the worst. What I didn't prepare for was what happened.
Today was the first morning I officially didn't get out and ride. It's time to step off the daily training for a while. I am far beyond what I had ever thought I could do and with just 2 weeks until my leg surgery, it's the right time to stop and reflect. It is appropriate that it is the week before Thanksgiving as the last 5 months has given me much to be thankful for.
1- I am thankful to discover that my body is physically capable of more than I ever expected. I still find it hard to hear myself say out loud that I can bike 50-60kms a day and not be exhausted. The hills that seemed so daunting, that I had to walk sometimes are now, although still challenging, part of my routine and achievable.
2-I am thankful that I overcame not only the doubts of others but my own hesitation about the reality of this task. Maybe I am too quick to accept my limitations.
3-I am thankful for the overwhelming support of my friends. Their encouragement and humour. Their quick response and support. Their enduring love.
4-I am thankful for the encouragement and support of my church family at First CRC. They offer not just their money and time but their blessings and love. When I officially joined last December, several of my friends came to the service. When we were leaving, many commented that they could see why I liked being at this church. I am reminded of that often and am truly grateful that God guided me to this home.

It's time to prepare my body and soul for the task next year. To take some time in gentleness and quiet to heal. For the rest of the year, my focus will be on the fund-raising and community building that is just as important in the preparations as the physical training.

I don't just want to do Sea To Sea, I now know that I can.